The Both/And of Creative Living
reflecting on big days on a big day
photo by Allexa Crosson Photography
There are two things that I would like you to know about today:
I woke up with migraine.
I’m writing this at the coffee shop that has my absolute favorite croissant and (bottomless) coffee in the city, and has been my writing/dreaming/people-watching spot since 2013.
MY FIRST PUBLISHED BOOK COMES OUT TODAY!
Okay, so I lied—there were 3 things! Three is the magic number, after all.
And maybe you’re thinking that #3 on the list should actually be #1, but I promise there is a method to my near-absolute madness.
The moon is new and in Libra (my natal placement, except I was born during a first quarter moon, which also might explain why a bit of tension took the top spot in my list), and I’ve been thinking a great deal about the both/and-ness of life. How if we really are to acknowledge the whole, and all the many experiences that run the gamut of existence, then we will often have to hold that which we want and don’t want at the same time.
A few years ago, I filmed on the Tony’s Red Carpet for the first time. I wore a truly badass floral suit from WildFang and white Doc Martens. I had deliciously fancy pre-show martinis with my colleagues at Del Frisco’s. Andrew Garfield held my hand and I caught it on video. It was a magical evening!
The next day, our toilet overflowed and I was on hands and knees cleaning the bathroom.
One night, I was at the ball.
The next, back in the cinders and tackling chores.
Both/and.
One doesn’t negate the other. They both exist, swinging on the pendulum between this and that. And if magic is everything or it’s nothing, then that means that even the literal shit we have to deal with is its own brand of enchantment.
How do we work with that? Especially if the celebration and the crap overlap?
Take the notion of “This too shall pass”—one of my most turned to wisdom principles. We say this when things are tough, if only to touch in with the idea that everything is ephemeral, fleeting. The bad shit won’t last forever. We can make it through. But what if we held this belief in the good times too? The celebrations? Those moments won’t last forever either.
Those too shall pass.
Instead of letting this be disappointing or increase our feelings of foreboding joy, how can it bring us into deeper connection with embodied gratitude (joy) and pleasure? How can it help us to truly be present in the good moments of life? To enjoy them while they last, and savor them when they’re over and we’re back in the muck.
So yeah, this morning—the morning of my first book release—I woke up with migraine. But I was able to go back to sleep for a bit, and now I’m writing this to you from the coffee shop that I’ve been writing in since I was 20. A place that’s held my hopes and dreams for almost a decade. Here, I’ve written fiction, multiple screenplays, dozens of terrible blog entries that should have never seen the light of day, a tv series of Shakespearean fanfic (which is honestly brilliant, if I do say so myself), and yes, parts of The Witch’s Book of Numbers.
And every version of me—from the kid that wrote songs on the floor of her bedroom in the 2nd grade, to the high school novelist writing about love from a thoroughly inexperienced perspective, to the 22-year-old exploring her sexuality through queering Rosalind from As You Like It, to the me of last year, who compiled her life and learnings and questions and musings into a whole ass book that you can now read—is determined to have a BLAST TODAY! Migraine be damned. There’s so much juicy goodness to focus on! So many loved ones popping up on my phone! So many toasts and fêtes still to come!
If we’re always holding the whole, the both/and, then that’s what it really comes down to, eh? Our focus. Our point of view. What we choose to give our attention to.
This is especially important for those living a creative life, who have courageously committed themselves to a rollercoaster of flirting with the muse, tangling with the trickster gxds, and petitioning the gatekeepers, who still hold far too many keys in this capitalist hellscape that craves art, but has never rightfully valued the artist.
I believe that holding the both/and of it all, making peace with that dance and choosing to focus on the joy of the journey, will save your very life.
Nevertheless, we persist! We create! We celebrate! We bask in the big wins! We revel in the moments that make our hearts burst and our souls sing! We go where the love is and we let ourselves drown in it! We focus on what feels good! We tune in to gratitude!
Glennon Doyle says, "Peace is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to cope with it,” and I would have to agree with her.
Both/and. The Whole. I want it all. For me, and for you.
I hope you’re choosing joy today, and I’m sending you love and comfort if you’re on the proverbial or literal bathroom floor.
Thank you for all the love and support you’ve shown my book, and me. I treasure it, and you! xx
If you’ve read and/or are going to read The Witch’s Book of Numbers, please consider leaving a review on Amazon or Goodreads! Consider what you liked or enjoyed about the book, anything you learned or that surprised you, and the who/what/when/why of recommending to others. Thank you so much!
LATEST & GREATEST FOR MY PAID PALS 💸
In this episode, Nick and I chat about:
Nick’s recent love of science fiction + their top recommendations for anyone looking to read further
How DUNE succeeds or fails at being a feminist text
Second-wave feminism and American gender politics of the 1960s
The Bene Gesserits and stereotypes about “masculine” vs “feminine”
How DUNE is trapped in many binaries
The Kwisatz Haderach as the “fulcrum” between male & female, and how Paul could have been more effective as a non-binary character
Villainous queer-coding in DUNE and who Nick sees themself as in the story
How Nick ships Feyd-Rautha & Paul and Rule 34: If you’ve thought about it, there’s internet porn about it
Ursula K Le Guin’s Left Hand of Darkness, another science fiction classic that tackles gender of the future
MUCH, MUCH MORE!
Reading your writing is listening to my mind think. Grooves!